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Last Updated on December 31, 2024
Adapted from CAN WE TALK? Seven Principles for Managing Difficult Conversations at Work (Kogan Page, September 28, 2021) by Roberta Chinsky Matuson, a renowned thought leader and consultant who helps leaders achieve improved employee engagement, retention,
Some people seem naturally skilled at influencing others, effortlessly inspiring agreement or action. While there’s no scientific proof that influence is innate, it is a skill anyone can learn and refine.
Influence is the ability to make requests that others willingly support, especially in challenging conversations. Strong relationships and effective communication are essential, with trust as the foundation. Trust encourages others to view your intentions as genuine, while its absence may lead to perceptions of manipulation.
For example, when discussing a sensitive matter, like suggesting a
Mastering influence involves building trust, communicating clearly, and making others feel valued. By focusing on these principles, you can influence effectively and ethically, fostering stronger relationships and better outcomes.
What This Article Covers
- Understanding the concept of influence and why it is a learnable skill.
- The importance of trust as the foundation of effective influence.
- How to build trust through consistent actions and integrity.
- Strategies for checking and repairing relationship dynamics before making requests.
- Tips for making specific, clear requests to enhance communication and
collaboration . - The value of considering others’ perspectives using the W.I.F.M. (What’s in It for Me) approach.
- How to balance clarity and empathy to foster mutual understanding and positive outcomes.
- Actionable steps to practice ethical and effective influencing in daily interactions.
Make Daily Deposits into Your Bank of Trust Account
In this book, I introduce the bank of trust model, a crucial concept for building and maintaining strong relationships. The likelihood of successfully influencing someone who doesn’t trust you—especially during a tense or challenging conversation—is slim, akin to expecting snow in Hawaii. This underscores the importance of fostering trust as a daily practice.
Building trust doesn’t have to be complicated. Simple, consistent actions can make a significant impact. Start by doing what you say you’ll do. Delivering on promises, no matter how small, demonstrates reliability and integrity. Over time, these actions compound, strengthening your credibility and the foundation of your relationships.
Trust is the cornerstone of effective communication and influence. By prioritizing trust-building behaviors every day, you set the stage for more productive interactions and meaningful connections, even in difficult situations. Remember, trust isn’t built overnight—it’s earned through consistency and authenticity.
Check Your Relationship Status
Relationships naturally experience fluctuations, but their current state plays a critical role in your ability to influence others effectively. If a recent conflict has created tension, it’s essential to address and repair trust before attempting to reach a compromise.
Start by acknowledging any missteps and offering a genuine apology to rebuild goodwill. Demonstrating accountability and empathy fosters trust and creates a foundation for productive dialogue. Once trust is restored, both parties are more likely to engage openly and collaboratively, paving the way for meaningful compromise and mutual understanding.
Make Sure Your Request Is Specific
Have you ever felt confused or even manipulated by someone trying to influence you without clearly stating their request? Such situations can create mistrust and frustration, hindering effective communication. To influence effectively, clarity and directness are essential. Clear communication fosters trust and paves the way for productive discussions.
For instance, instead of offering vague feedback like, “I need you to pull your weight around here,” be specific. You could say, “I need you to improve your performance by developing the project strategy, assigning tasks to the
By articulating your needs clearly, you eliminate confusion, enhance
Think W.I.F.M. (What’s in It for Me)
Master influencers understand the importance of considering others’ perspectives. They ask, “What’s in it for them?” and incorporate that into their requests. For example, instead of simply directing an employee to improve, say, “I need you to create the project strategy, assign tasks, and follow up weekly. This will free up time for us to collaborate on the software you’ve advocated for.”
When asking an employee like Sam to transition accounts, use trust to build buy-in. For instance: “Sam, I’d like you to consider moving to a new account. You’ll apply your current skills, lead the new account, and gain full-cycle experience, positioning you to lead the department in the future.” This clear explanation frames the move as a growth opportunity.
By skipping this collaborative approach and simply reassigning the account, you risk conflict and loss of trust, possibly pushing the employee to leave. Effective influencing requires clarity, empathy, and small compromises to ensure mutual satisfaction and lasting outcomes.
The key to successful dialogue starts and ends with changing the conversation. Recognizing that it takes two people to engage in meaningful outcomes, Can We Talk? outlines what each contributor needs to do to achieve the best possible result.
